I was in the midst of studying limb embryology when my wife sent me a text message. She was amused and slightly annoyed at an email that she received from a student at our alma mater, who is seeking a mentor. I don’t want to sound like the old fuddy duddy or. A “boomer”, but there is a certain etiquette to these things and your success with establishing and maintaining your mentor-mentee relationship will depend in part, on professionalism.
First, pay attention to surroundings. When you send someone an email, you may not know if that person is a faculty member or whether that person has a doctorate. Thus, don’t feel entitled to use that persons first name in an email. Start with Mr./Mrs./Ms.Better yet, do some research before sending the email to see if you can find out something about that potential mentor. Do they have preferred pronouns? Do they have a doctorate? What department do they work in? If you get a response to your email, pay attention to the signature line of the email; if you see any indication that the person has a doctorate degree, and/or preferred pronouns, you refer to that person by their honorific (i.e., Dr. So-and-so) or preferred pronouns unless and until they grant you permission to refer to them by first name or some other way. One of my wife’s pet peeves (I understand given her status as one of the few African American female faculty at her medical school) is when students or prospective mentees refer to her as Eboni or Ms. Anderson despite her signature line clearly showing that she has earned her doctorate and her signing her name at the end of emails as “Dr. Anderson.”
Next, when you are reaching out to someone to ask for mentorship, be prepared. For starters, send a proper email of introduction. Spell check it and make sure that your grammar represents what you are trying to portray. Next, BRIEFLY tell your story (i.e., who, what, when, where, how, and why), make the ask, and thank them. What goes along with this, if you have a copy of your resume/CV, unofficial transcripts, personal statement, and/or standardized test results, include these in your email. These things will give us a clue as to how we might best help AND where to start.
If you develop the mentor-mentee relationship, don’t waste your mentor’s time. A young man reached out to me almost 16 months ago, requesting assistance with planning his undergraduate studies and preparing himself for medical school. When I take on a mentee, one of the things that I like to do is find out what they expect of me and how much of a time commitment they are willing to devote and what time they expect of me. This student asked to meet on a frequent basis but what ensued was strings of broken meetings. I get it, life happens. If you must break meetings, let your mentor know in advance. And if you are at a place in your life where you are not able to have a mentor, that is A-OK, acknowledge that and let your mentor know that it’s not a good time for mentorship. Believe me, most mentors will understand and not take it personally. What goes along with this, is an understanding that as your relationship develops and grows, you may find yourself in a position where you are considered a friend or family. My wife and I have two mentees, Destiney and Asia, who are no longer mentees but family. Asia is my little sister and Destiney is my daughter from another mother. Eboni and I have done a lot for Asia and Destiney and whenever the four of us are in the same state, we don’t miss a time to get together. We have a running chat on our iPhones, and we all chat almost daily. It took TIME for these bonds to grow, however. You’ve got to allow these relationships to grow organically. Its NEVER appropriate to ask your mentor for money if you’ve developed a pattern of continuously standing him up, being un prepared when you do meet, and being less than honest with him.
There is much more that I could say but I need to get back to the books. What I will say in closing is that few of us make it to medical school or a doctorate or even out of undergrad without some type of mentorship. Lord knows that I would not have gotten to where I am if not for the various mentors that I have had over the years, and I do not anticipate successfully getting to a family medicine residency without the guidance of mentors. Building relationships with people is an art and I wish that this was a skill that was taught in high school and in undergrad. There are books and journal articles that give advice on how to network, build relationships, and seek mentors. I highly suggest taking the time to look at some of these resources if developing relationships with. People or seeking mentors is a weakness. You can have a lot of doors opened for you with the right mentor0mentee relationship. Just make sure that you are ready to fully engage with your mentor when the time arises. Back to the books!
