How to deal with unspportive family & friends as a non-traditional pre med

Last night, I got a Facebook message from a non-traditional pre-med asking about how I deal with unsupportive and/or jealous family and friends. I told him that frequently, the more success that you have in life, the more people will stand against you and try to tear you down. Unfortunately, sometimes the people at the head of the line of people trying to tear you down will be family and people who you thought were friends.

One thing that is important to realize is that frequently when we are going through it with our family and friends, we don’t realize that the problem is not us. The problem is often THEIRS. We become too focused on what others are saying about or doing to us as opposed to accomplishing our goals, whether its finishing your dissertation, finishing your undergraduate studies, or gaining admissions to medical school. When we don’t finish what we set out to finish, we’ve just given our detractors more ammunition to throw back at us.

You have to recognize that not everyone is going to understand your path and desires to attend medical school or whatever your dream may be. Its OK and perhaps even necessary to acknowledge that there may be a reason behind their feelings but understand that reason usually has nothing to do with you. I tell these people that they need to take their issues up with God and leave me out of it.

Sometimes, unsupportive family and friends need education about what you are doing. My mother and oldest sister have had a habit of downgrading the work that Eboni and I have done as doctoral students. I discovered that both needed some education. Amusingly, my sister is now dating a guy who recently finished his Ed.D and he has described in detail, what the dissertation process was like for him. Now my sister ‘gets it’. It is the same with the medical school admissions process. There is a lot to it and a lot of work that you have to put into it. If you don’t feel like explaining it all to them, that’s OK. Refer them to AACOMAS or AMCAS for some detail.

Don’t believe the myths that people put out into the universe about you. It’s taken me 10 long years to see my first U.S. medical school admissions. During that time, there were three MCAT exams (one very good and two not so good), an enrollment in a Caribbean medical school, a public health/public health research career, and a career as university faculty. I also had a surgery, lost my mother-in-law, and helped my wife finish her doctoral studies. A LOT of people, friends and family and some of my wife’s friends and family, questioned my work ethic, my desire, my motivation, my sanity, whether or not Eboni and I should have stayed together, etc. When my mother-in-law passed, there were some who suggested that I was responsible for her passing. Over the years, I’ve heard some of the most hurtful things. I never believed a word of it. I’ve first and foremost listened to the dreams that God whispered to me. Next, I listed to what Eboni, Pam, and JJ had to say. Finally, I’ve listened to the countless words of thanks that my adopted family, people like Pat, Deb, Rob, Heath, Oscar, Destiney, Asia, and many of my mentees have shared about me. And you know what else? After Eboni and I got married and Eboni landed her first job as university faculty, a lot of these people who were saying such hateful stuff started to change their tune. People are funny and they are fickle. Don’t buy into the bullshit they are selling.

If you can’t get the support that you need from family and friends, find that support elsewhere. I always say that family isn’t necessarily related to you by blood. Family are those people who truly love and support you unconditionally. I realize that I will never be able to fully immerse my blood family in various aspects of my life. I came to grips with that years ago and I’m OK with it. The Lord has blessed me with other people who share my passions and understand my motivations. I have a supportive wife. Then there are Destiney and Asia; Destiney is like a daughter to me and Asia is like a younger sister. My best friend Heath, who I have known for 40+ years, has always pushed me to be my best and by extension, his children, especially his son Austin, who look up to me, are also motivators. My point is that there are people out there who will be down for you. Sometimes you have to search for them and you may end up finding them in the most unexpected ways, but you can have a family, or better yet, an army of people who support you.

So remember:

1. Your mission to medical school (or graduate school or dissertation completion or weight loss or whatever your goal is) should be your priority. A lot of people go through the motions in life, doing everything but what they love. These people end up constantly looking to the past and asking, “What. If?”
2. Life is short. Self-explanatory. Do what makes you happy and don’t spend your time feeling bad about what others say. You can no more control them and what they think then you can control the motions of the tides. Live your life.
3. Others may not understand your path. They are not required to,
4. Sometimes the people around you may be insecure. That’s their cross to bear, not yours.
5. Anything in life is possible. Your naysayers may try to give you every reason to give up on a dream, but I am here to tell you that anything is possible. When I applied to medical school this cycle, I thought that at best, I would have one or two interviews and if I was exceedingly lucky, I would have one medical school acceptance. I now have three acceptances this cycle and have had four interviews. There is the possibility of gaining at least one more acceptance before the cycle is over. My stats suggested, according to conventional pre-medical academic advisor and Student Doctor Network wisdom, that I should not have gotten into medical school yet, I will be starting medical school in July. My wife always says, if it’s for you, its for you. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
6. This is perhaps the most important. You can’t please everyone. We spend so much time trying to please people, yet we can’t seem to ever get it quite right. They will always have SOMETHING to complain about. It’s impossible to please everyone and we shouldn’t be trying. So now, my thing is to work at pleasing my wife and for everyone else, they need to take their requests to God. If they don’t like what I am doing, that is between them and God.